Paradigm Shift

‘The Rules’ is about approaching your romantic life from a whole new perspective.

When I first read ‘The Rules’ (TR) mulled it over and let it really sink in, I had a paradigm shift in my thinking.

As I mention in my first ever post I initially didn’t take  TR seriously… but then I began to think about all my past relationships and I realised… TR were right!

I started to think about things differently and began to gain a new way of seeing my romantic relationships.

But changing in thinking takes time and practice (and so can changing your actions).  But don’t let this put you off.  Tony Robbins says “Repetition is the mother of all skill” – TR is a set of skills that must be learned and practiced.  You will get them wrong and make mistakes, but do not let this stop you from getting back on the horse!  Let it motivate you to do even better on your next attempt!  Keep practicing until you get it right!

Even though I had this light bulb moment over a decade ago it took more heart-ache and pain for me to apply them seriously.

Albert Einstein defined ‘Insanity’ as “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”.

Well, by Einstein’s definition that would have made me insane for some time!

Changing behaviour and habits can be done by anyone – although it can be very challenging.  But the great thing is that I have found is that it becomes very rewarding and even fun when you begin to see results!  It is putting long term goals ahead of short term gratification and remembering why you are doing something.

Tony Robbins also says that “Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.”

Most of us who practice TR have come to a point when we realise that staying the same is no longer an option and often we have to get to this point before we will do something.  This is why so many women find TR after they have experienced dreadful pain from a past relationship.  Like me, you were searching for a way – a new different way.

Les Brown asks “Are you sick and tired of being sick and tired?!”

If you have not already suffered emotional heart ache and pain then use this as a warning to you – you don’t need to get to that point!  Follow TR and you will attract your Mr Right into your life.

And if you are sick and tired of being alone or you are sick and tired of your romantic relationships not working out then it’s time to put on a different set of glasses.  Start to see things through a different lens, see them as a Rules girl!  Think to yourself – “what would Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider say to me right now?”

Don’t waste your time on fantasy relationships, pine over your ex or think about the seemingly unattainable man.  Focus on TR – read the books, listen to the audios, watch the videos , immerse yourself and most important of all – put them in to practice right now!  It’s time to do things a different way, to see things a different way and to train up as a Rules girl!

How To Start “The Rules” If You’re Already In A Relationship

Are you already in a relationship, just found out about “The Rules” and realised you’ve broken lots of them?

First of all, don’t panic!  You can apply “The Rules” no matter what your situation.  You may not think you can right now but hopefully you’ll get some ideas about how you can.

You need to be warned that “The Rules” are not easy, but if you really want your relationship to work then applying them will reward you ten fold.  “The Rules” are about long term thinking, not short-term gratification.


“You are not behind! I don’t want you to try to catch up; I just want you to jump in where we are. O.K.?” (FlyLady).

What does this mean in the context of “The Rules”? It means don’t make excuses why you can’t follow “The Rules” right now.  Instead here’s what you can do when you re-start “The Rules” after breaking them.  You immerse yourself in “The Rules”.  You re-read all your Rules books and buy any you haven’t already got.  You study “The Rules” until you know them inside out and upside down.  It may be hard to change your behaviour and you are going to make mistakes but just commit to them and do your best.  Jump in where you are!


Here’s some exercises to get you started:

  1.  Write out a list of things you can do to start following “The Rules” and making improvements.  Avoid overwhelming yourself by making your list too long and don’t berate yourself if you don’t do them perfectly.  Instead, just start and do your best.  If you do this and focus on improving and doing better each day, you will succeed and see results.

For example your list may contain the following items:

  • Don’t contact your boyfriend under any circumstances.  Who can you contact instead? (a family member or good Rulesy friend).
  • Read a chapter of “The Rules” books everyday.
  • Straighten your hair.
  • Buy some cute Rulesy outfits.
  • Allow your boyfriend to speak to you first.
  • Don’t offer to drive to see your boyfriend / pick him up etc…
  • Practice “The Rules” at work and with others.
  • Keep a Rules journal and write in it before going to bed each night.

2.  Go through your Rules books and write down a list of “The Rules” you are breaking.  Find the chapter(s) relevant to the broken Rule(s) and write a list of actions you can take to start following “The Rules”.  From this list of actions, choose your top three to ten (the ones that you feel you can do now) and write them out.

3.  Write down what problems / excuses / reasons you are finding for not applying “The Rules”.  This is a process, you haven’t been following “The Rules” up until now.  It’s highly likely if you have read this far that you believe “The Rules” you have broken have caused problems in your past and / or present relationships and this is why you want to know how to follow them now.  “The Rules” struck a chord with you. You are probably scared because you don’t want to jeopardise your relationship, how do you know “The Rules” will work?  What you do know is that what you’ve been doing up until now hasn’t been working for you.  Plus there are plenty of Rules Success Stories, here are some of my testimonials and Ellen and Sherrie’s to show you what you can expect when you follow “The Rules”.  Usually what happens when you begin to really take “The Rules” seriously and apply them is that you begin to see your partner and your relationship more objectively.  You begin to observe your own and your partner’s behaviour.  If there’s a chance for your relationship then “The Rules” will show you if that’s likely or not.  And if the relationship isn’t right you’ll potentially save yourself and your partner continued years of heart ache and be able to move on relatively quickly and find your Mr Right.  If it’s the right relationship then it will likely blossom beyond what you could’ve imagined possible!


Next Steps:

  1.  Use the Immersion technique.
  2.  Complete the above three exercises.
  3.  Come and join me on Facebook and Instagram where I share more insights, how tos, ask questions about what you need help with and we discuss various matters with our international Rules Community.
  4. You may not know this, but I’m a certified Rules Coach (since 2013, trained and certified by “The Rules” authors Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider).  I teach women how to apply “The Rules,” find Mr Right, get married and stay happily married!  I specialise in helping women apply “The Rules” to their specific circumstances and / or set them an actionable plan of what they need to focus on to achieve the best results fast with “The Rules”.  That means I’m available for one-on-one client work if that happens to be something you could use now (or in the near future). If you would like to take a look at my services they are listed here.

P.S.  I have a new email list where I will be sharing common mistakes that women make with “The Rules”, how to develop a Rules mindset and paradigm shifts “The Rules” can provide.  When you visit my site you will see a pop up where you can subscribe.


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Related Blogs:

Have you got problems in your relationship?

Are Breaking “The Rules” the reason your relationship’s got problems?

Questions You Asked About “The Rules” for Dating During the Coronavirus

Six Tips to Help You Follow ‘The Rules’ During the Coronavirus Pandemic

“Don’t Expect a Man to Change or Try to Change Him”

Do You Need to Let Go of an Unhealthy Relationship?

Disclaimer: Information, advice & tips provided by Debbie Sedgley Rules Coach are based on “The Rules” books written by Ellen Fein & Sherrie Schneider and are not a substitute for professional advice such as a Medical Doctor, Psychiatrist, Counsellor or Legal representative. Information is offered in good faith – you do not have to use this information. Any decisions you make, and the consequences thereof are your own. The Rules relationship and dating advice is not scientifically proven and there are no formal studies to prove it works, therefore Deborah Sedgley cannot guarantee results.



Weight Matters

Last year I lost over 6 stone.

This was after I got engaged to my husband in December 2014 and before our Wedding in November 2015.  I lost the majority of the weight in 5 months.

When I met my husband I was about six stone (84 lbs) overweight and this was the same when we got engaged.

I agree with Ellen and Sherrie that it is very important to be a healthy weight and that men are very visual.

However, having been overweight for the majority of my adult life and struggling with my weight since and being conscious of my weight from a very early age I would encourage all women out there who are overweight not to use this as an excuse not to make an effort with your appearance, trying to improve your health and fitness or a reason not to practice The Rules.

When I lost six stone I felt so much better – physically, emotionally and mentally.  I am currently learning how to maintain my weight and this is my current challenge.  This was not something that happened over night and not due to lack of knowledge.  I have a BSc (Honours) Degree in Sports Science, so I had the know-how, it was the psychological aspect that I battled.  People saw my weight loss as something sudden but I really feel it happened as a result of elements of my life coming together and becoming clearer.  I learned about NLP (and completed my NLP Master Practitioner Certificate), I let go of a lot of physical clutter prior to my weight-loss and I began to be more present and mindful of my present state.

However, I don’t wish to get too off-track here today.  My message here today is to practice The Rules no matter what your weight or what you look like.  I struggled with my weight and attended weight loss groups – my weight would go up and down.  However, I focussed on what I could do.  I read books on how to apply make up and what clothes would suit my figure.  I did my best to put my best face forward (as E & S say).  I tried different activities and weight loss groups and eventually it clicked and I lost the weight (after about 15 years of trying!).  I sincerely hope it doesn’t take you this long and I plan to share my tips and what I did to lose weight in future posts.

Make yourself feel good now!  Revamp your wardrobe – only keep outfits that fit you (see my recent blog: Letting Go).  Read up on what make-up, clothes and hair styles will suit your figure, skin colour and hair type.  Don’t try to be someone else.  It’s good to have style role models – but make sure they have a similar skin colour / hair type and figure to yours otherwise you are setting yourself up to fail and feel lousy.  You are a CUAO!  When you feel good about yourself and love yourself you will attract people to you – overweight or not.

Do not wait to practice The Rules or make effort with your appearance or to have clothes that fit you – for example, if you find yourself saying “I’ll do that when I’ve lost the weight…”.

However, this doesn’t mean you should give up on your weight-loss goals.  Remember it’s important to make an effort with your appearance, fitness and health.  After all – do you appreciate it when a man / your man makes an effort with his appearance?

Have fun with this and enjoy the process!

What are you going to do? Here are some suggestions:

  • Read books, blogs and magazines and watch You Tube videos on:
    • What type of figure you have and the clothes that suit your figure.
    • Applying make-up and the right colour / type of make up for your skin colour / type.
    • Hair styles and what will suit your face / is best suited to your needs.
    • Forms of activity – it doesn’t have to be the gym – it could be any activity that gets you moving and you enjoy.
    • Diets / healthy eating.