Paradigm Shift

‘The Rules’ is about approaching your romantic life from a whole new perspective.

When I first read ‘The Rules’ (TR) mulled it over and let it really sink in, I had a paradigm shift in my thinking.

As I mention in my first ever post I initially didn’t take  TR seriously… but then I began to think about all my past relationships and I realised… TR were right!

I started to think about things differently and began to gain a new way of seeing my romantic relationships.

But changing in thinking takes time and practice (and so can changing your actions).  But don’t let this put you off.  Tony Robbins says “Repetition is the mother of all skill” – TR is a set of skills that must be learned and practiced.  You will get them wrong and make mistakes, but do not let this stop you from getting back on the horse!  Let it motivate you to do even better on your next attempt!  Keep practicing until you get it right!

Even though I had this light bulb moment over a decade ago it took more heart-ache and pain for me to apply them seriously.

Albert Einstein defined ‘Insanity’ as “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”.

Well, by Einstein’s definition that would have made me insane for some time!

Changing behaviour and habits can be done by anyone – although it can be very challenging.  But the great thing is that I have found is that it becomes very rewarding and even fun when you begin to see results!  It is putting long term goals ahead of short term gratification and remembering why you are doing something.

Tony Robbins also says that “Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.”

Most of us who practice TR have come to a point when we realise that staying the same is no longer an option and often we have to get to this point before we will do something.  This is why so many women find TR after they have experienced dreadful pain from a past relationship.  Like me, you were searching for a way – a new different way.

Les Brown asks “Are you sick and tired of being sick and tired?!”

If you have not already suffered emotional heart ache and pain then use this as a warning to you – you don’t need to get to that point!  Follow TR and you will attract your Mr Right into your life.

And if you are sick and tired of being alone or you are sick and tired of your romantic relationships not working out then it’s time to put on a different set of glasses.  Start to see things through a different lens, see them as a Rules girl!  Think to yourself – “what would Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider say to me right now?”

Don’t waste your time on fantasy relationships, pine over your ex or think about the seemingly unattainable man.  Focus on TR – read the books, listen to the audios, watch the videos , immerse yourself and most important of all – put them in to practice right now!  It’s time to do things a different way, to see things a different way and to train up as a Rules girl!

Starting ‘The Rules’ When You’re Already In A Relationship

Are you already in a relationship, just found out about ‘The Rules’ (TR) and realised you’ve broken lots of them?

First of all, don’t panic!  You can apply TR no matter your situation.  You may not think you can right now but hopefully I will able to give you some ideas about how you can.

Now, I am going to pre-warn you that TR are not easy, but if you really want your relationship to work then applying them will reward you ten fold.  TR are about long term thinking, not short-term gratification.

Okay, so I’m going to use FlyLady’s quote again here “You are not behind! I don’t want you to try to catch up; I just want you to jump in where we are. O.K.?”.  What does this mean to you here right now? – It means do not make excuses why you can’t follow TR right now.  Instead here’s what I did when I re-started TR after breaking them for about four years.  I immersed myself in TR.  I re-read all my Rules books and bought any I hadn’t already got.  I studied TR until I knew them inside out and upside down.  It may be hard to change your behaviour and you are going to make mistakes but just commit to them and do your best.  Jump in where you are!

For example, one of the things I did was write out a list of the things I could do to start making improvements.  Now, do not overwhelm yourself and make this list too long and don’t berate yourself if you don’t do them perfectly.  Instead, just start and do your best.  If you do this and focus on improving and doing better each day, you will succeed and see results.

For example your list may contain the following items:

  • Do not contact bf under any circumstances.  Who can I contact instead? (a family member or good Rules-y friend).
  • Read a chapter of TR everyday.
  • Straighten my hair.
  • Buy some cute Rules-y outfits.
  • Allow my bf to speak to me first.
  • Do not offer to drive to see bf / pick him up etc…
  • Practice TR at work and with others.
  • Keep a Rules journal and write in it before I go to bed each night.

Hopefully you get the idea.

I would suggest going through TR books, buy them all if you don’t have them, or borrow them from the library.

Write down a list of The Rules you are breaking, find the relevant chapter and write a list of actions you can take to start following TR.

From this list of actions, choose your top three to ten (the ones that you feel you can do now) and write them out.

Write down what problems / excuses / reasons you are finding for not applying TR.  This is a process, you haven’t been following TR up until now.  It is highly likely if you have read this far that you believe that TR you have broken have caused problems in your past and / or present relationships and this is why you want to know how to follow them now.  You are probably scared because you don’t want to jeopardise your relationship, how do you know TR will work and its not just that everybody has these problems, or that you and your guy just aren’t well suited, or that you are just not good at relationships?  This is where a leap of faith is required.  I took a leap of faith and now I’m happily married.  I’m not saying this will work for everyone, but the reason I’m a Rules Coach is because I believe they can work for everyone and that they worked for me and that anyone can apply TR.  It just takes a leap of faith and some effort on your part.

No one is perfect and it is highly unlikely that anyone has ever not broken a rule or messed up somewhere along the line.  But if you do enough – then you can make a significant difference to your life and improve things beyond which that you can imagine right now – especially if you are struggling right now.  Aim to follow TR by the book and then if you make a mistake it will soon be forgotten.

Let’s say you are in a relationship now, you’ve just found out about TR and you and your bf meet halfway.  Okay so, first things first, you do not need to sit down and have a ‘talk’ with your bf.  In general men hate ‘talks’.  Instead, wait for him to contact you and ask to meet up.  Let’s say he says shall we meet where we usually do?  You could say – I would really prefer to meet in ‘location X’ (near your home town) and if he says why, just repeat what you have said “I would just really prefer to meet there”.  When you are having this conversation, you always speak to him sweetly.  Remember, you have spoiled your bf previously by meeting him halfway.  You may feel mean about doing this, but this is the start of you setting healthy boundaries and following The Fundamentals of TR.  This will actually benefit both you and your bf in the long term.  This is what you must keep in mind.  You may feel mean now but this is not about being mean it is about allowing the man to pursue you and believe it or not, this will make you both much happier in the long run.  If he presses the issue or gets upset and / or is mean then end the conversation quickly and sweetly.  If he is not a ‘Buyer Beware’ then it is likely he will call you back later and make arrangements to come to you.  It is important you stay strong at this point and do not cave and fall back into your old habits.  This will feel uncomfortable especially at first, but you are setting up new routines, habits and boundaries for you and him so this will feel uncomfortable and strange at the start.  It is good to keep in mind that your bf is not your adversary, he didn’t make you break TR.  Always be sweet and light and always do your very best to follow TR, you will likely be happily surprised at the results!  Remember, if he is really your Mr Right, then even if he is at first upset, he will soon get over it and make plans to see you because you are special to him.  If he is not your Mr Right then he will not likely stick around.  You deserve your Mr Right – the man you adore and are crazy about and your Mr Right deserves you – a girl he is madly in love with –  and you will soon discover if you both truly in love and committed or not when following TR.

Also, please remember if you do break TR, do not spend hours feeling bad and berating yourself.  Instead, use this as an opportunity to empower yourself.  Go grab your journal or a sheet of paper right now and plan out how you would handle that situation if it happened again and / or plan what you are going to do next time.  Use it an an opportunity to learn TR.  I am qualified as a Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) Master Practitioner and in NLP there are 15 presuppositions.  One of them is ‘there is no failure, only feedback’.  This is a great philosophy to live by, if we view each experience as opportunity to learn and grow versus a failure what potential will our lives hold?

I hope this blog gives you some ideas.

Please comment, subscribe and like so I know what you think.

Do you need help starting TR mid-relationship?

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Weight Matters

Last year I lost over 6 stone.

This was after I got engaged to my husband in December 2014 and before our Wedding in November 2015.  I lost the majority of the weight in 5 months.

When I met my husband I was about six stone (84 lbs) overweight and this was the same when we got engaged.

I agree with Ellen and Sherrie that it is very important to be a healthy weight and that men are very visual.

However, having been overweight for the majority of my adult life and struggling with my weight since and being conscious of my weight from a very early age I would encourage all women out there who are overweight not to use this as an excuse not to make an effort with your appearance, trying to improve your health and fitness or a reason not to practice The Rules.

When I lost six stone I felt so much better – physically, emotionally and mentally.  I am currently learning how to maintain my weight and this is my current challenge.  This was not something that happened over night and not due to lack of knowledge.  I have a BSc (Honours) Degree in Sports Science, so I had the know-how, it was the psychological aspect that I battled.  People saw my weight loss as something sudden but I really feel it happened as a result of elements of my life coming together and becoming clearer.  I learned about NLP (and completed my NLP Master Practitioner Certificate), I let go of a lot of physical clutter prior to my weight-loss and I began to be more present and mindful of my present state.

However, I don’t wish to get too off-track here today.  My message here today is to practice The Rules no matter what your weight or what you look like.  I struggled with my weight and attended weight loss groups – my weight would go up and down.  However, I focussed on what I could do.  I read books on how to apply make up and what clothes would suit my figure.  I did my best to put my best face forward (as E & S say).  I tried different activities and weight loss groups and eventually it clicked and I lost the weight (after about 15 years of trying!).  I sincerely hope it doesn’t take you this long and I plan to share my tips and what I did to lose weight in future posts.

Make yourself feel good now!  Revamp your wardrobe – only keep outfits that fit you (see my recent blog: Letting Go).  Read up on what make-up, clothes and hair styles will suit your figure, skin colour and hair type.  Don’t try to be someone else.  It’s good to have style role models – but make sure they have a similar skin colour / hair type and figure to yours otherwise you are setting yourself up to fail and feel lousy.  You are a CUAO!  When you feel good about yourself and love yourself you will attract people to you – overweight or not.

Do not wait to practice The Rules or make effort with your appearance or to have clothes that fit you – for example, if you find yourself saying “I’ll do that when I’ve lost the weight…”.

However, this doesn’t mean you should give up on your weight-loss goals.  Remember it’s important to make an effort with your appearance, fitness and health.  After all – do you appreciate it when a man / your man makes an effort with his appearance?

Have fun with this and enjoy the process!

What are you going to do? Here are some suggestions:

  • Read books, blogs and magazines and watch You Tube videos on:
    • What type of figure you have and the clothes that suit your figure.
    • Applying make-up and the right colour / type of make up for your skin colour / type.
    • Hair styles and what will suit your face / is best suited to your needs.
    • Forms of activity – it doesn’t have to be the gym – it could be any activity that gets you moving and you enjoy.
    • Diets / healthy eating.