Why not going Dutch on a Date is not about money

Do you feel guilty and / or confused when it comes to paying the bill when you’re on a date?

Today I’m going to explain the reason that Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider (E&S) tell us ladies not to go dutch on a date in their series of books called ‘The Rules’.

I often hear people (men and women) debate whether they should go dutch on a date or whether the man or the woman should foot the bill.  Most people think that this is a money and equality issue and why it may seem pragmatic to split the bill, the reality is when it comes to money and dating it’s more about our biological background than about money or sex equality.

E&S explain in their book ‘The Rules for Online Dating’ (2002) that “The three basic premises of this book and all our Rules books are: A man must initially feel a spark for a woman; the man must pursue the woman; and all men love a challenge.”

The key premises relating to paying the bill are – the man must pursue the woman and all men love a challenge.  So when a guy takes you on a date, the reason E&S say it’s best for you to allow him to pay the bill is that if he is the right guy – your Mr Right – he will not want you to pay anything.  As a woman you may feel guilty not splitting and E&S say that if the guy asks you to spilt the bill then pay it, but don’t see him again (they say you can pay for the odd small item here and there such as a tip or short taxi journey).  This may sound like harsh advice but it’s not about the money.  When a guy really likes you he will want to wine and dine you and treat you like a princess.  He wants to impress you and take care of you, these will be his natural instincts.  He wants you to feel special and taken care of – this is about the effort he makes and showing he really likes you.

Now don’t get me wrong there are some men out there who may ask you to pay the bill, make no effort on the date or ask you to spilt the bill.  If this happens E&S say not to date this guy again, he may either be looking for the woman to be a cash cow or he may not be that into you and then there are some guys who may have issues (often there will be more than just money issues and splitting the bill) and he will likely be hard work.  This should not be hard work, he either likes you or he doesn’t.  And it’s not about how much money he spends – it is about the effort he is making to impress you.

So next time you go on a date and you’re feeling guilty about not going dutch when the bill comes along, recognise the effort this guy has gone to and realise the best thing you can do is to thank him (don’t make a big song and dance either when you thank him and don’t send a card / text etc… – this will seem too keen and likely scare him off, men like a challenge remember!).  Just thank him and be sincere at the end of the date.

If you have a relationship or dating problem and would like specific Rules advice for your situation then you might wish to consider Rules Coaching. I am a happily married former Rules breaker turned certified Rules Coach and Neuro-linguistic Programming Master Practitioner. Drop me an email at debbiesedgley@gmail.com for more info or to make an enquiry and / or check out my Consultations page.

*Question & Answer With Me – Now in July 2017!

Please note I’m moving my Q & A blog scheduled for June to July as I still need more questions from you.

Please share your problems here in the comments section or email me directly at debbiesedgley@gmail.com with ‘Q & A July Blog’ in the subject line if you’re concerned about sharing something public but would still like an answer. You can also comment and send me private messages via my Rules Facebook page and I will do my best to answer as many questions as I can. #TheRulesBook #TheRules #RulesGirl

*N.B. Please note that detailed and / or very personal queries may not be something I can answer fully in my July Q & A blog and may require a Rules Coaching consultation.

References:

Fein, E & Schneider, S. (2002). The Rules for Online Dating: Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right in Cyberspace. Pocket Books, p. 25 (Kindle version).

Discovering the Solution (‘The Rules’ philosophy) to Your Relationship Problems Through Heart Ache

Unfortunately a lot of us only come to find out about ‘The Rules’ (TR) dating and relationship philosophy when things in our romantic lives have gone wrong.  Or perhaps you heard about them, but didn’t take them seriously and then looked them up after things didn’t work out with the guy you liked / your ex.

It reminds me of the Alanis Morissette song ‘Ironic’ – that you only find TR when you’ve experienced the heart ache and you just know that if you’d known about TR before, taken them seriously and applied them that things potentially could’ve worked out.

Well you are not alone!  Most women who find TR, Rules Coaches and wives have come to TR due to some sort of heart ache.  Even TR authors Ellen and Sherrie shared their bad experiences and noticed that a friend of theirs seemed to have it all figured out.  Thankfully their friend shared with them what Ellen and Sherrie coined TR!

So don’t lose heart, if you’ve found the Rules after experiencing heart ache then use it as a way to propel you to prevent yourself from having to go through it again.  Write down your most painful experiences – this will be a reminder when you are tempted to break TR, of your reasons for following them and putting long term goals ahead of short term gratification.  Read my previous blog Fail Forwards to remind you not to give up and to use your experiences as a way to learn and improve on your Rules journey.

Sometimes when we are in the heat of a moment with a guy it is easy to break TR, but regularly reminding yourself of your reasons for following them will help you when you are feeling weak-willed!

If you are one of the lucky ones who has found TR and not experienced heart ache or maybe you are naturally Rulesy then heed other Rules Girls’ heart ache stories to prevent you from going down that road and breaking TR in the future.  Write them down as evidence for yourself to refer to when you have weak moments.

For some that find TR – you may have found them in time to save things, but unfortunately this is not always the case.

If you have suffered heart ache and are wondering if things may still work out or not and / or if you want to make a change and do things differently next time then consider Rules Coaching with me.  I am a happily married former Rules breaker turned certified Rules Coach and Neuro-linguistic Programming Master Practitioner. Drop me an email for more info or to make an enquiry debbiesedgley@gmail.com and / or check out my Consultations page.

*Question & Answer With Me – This June 2017!

Have you been seeing a guy for a while but you’re not sure if he’s serious? Have you had any red flags? What problems are you struggling with? Are you married and having difficulties? Are you ready to get married but your boyfriend hasn’t popped the question? I plan to do a Q & A this June on my blog. Please share your problems here in the comments section or email me directly at debbiesedgley@gmail.com with ‘Q & A June Blog‘ in the subject line if you’re concerned about sharing something public but would still like an answer. You can also comment and send me private messages via my Rules Facebook page I will do my best to answer as many questions as I can. #TheRulesBook #TheRules #RulesGirl

*N.B.  Please note that detailed and / or very personal queries may not be something I can answer fully in my June Q & A blog and may require a Rules Coaching consultation.

 

 

Fail Forwards

Recently I posted on Facebook about the concept of Failing Forward about how to keep going when you make ‘mistakes’.

I recently watched the TV series  – Bear Grylls’ Mission Survive.  You may wonder what I think a survival programme has to do with your romantic life and ‘The Rules’ philosophy… But it has to do with this concept of ‘failing forwards.’

Actually I prefer the Neuro-linguistic Programming (NLP) concept that I also mentioned in my Facebook post that ‘there is no failure only feedback’.  This can be quite a big concept to grasp – especially if you have great trouble forgiving yourself or others for your / their mistakes and / or so called ‘failures’.  But what this NLP presupposition is conveying is that even our so called ‘failures’ are often part and parcel of the process and / or journey we are personally making.  Oftentimes things do not go according to plan and / or adversity strikes and we face obstacles.  Often these obstacles or challenges require us to grow or stretch ourselves, sometimes you may even ask – why is this happening to me?  These obstacles and / or challenges can help us develop as individuals, much more than perhaps we had originally anticipated. If we are so fixed on a particular plan or route to take to achieve our outcome (for you this may be finding your Mr Right / getting married and / or having a happy marriage) then we may be much more likely to give up and throw in the towel.  This is really about a level of flexibility and perseverance.  It may also indicate how much you really want something and what you are willing / not willing to give up to get it.

In Bear Grylls’ Mission Survive there were two key points he made that really struck a chord with me and that I feel relate to this concept:

Bear said to “Give more when adversity strikes:

  • More energy,
  • More positivity,
  • More effort.”

And the qualities Bear said he was looking for in mission survivors were:

  • Positivity,
  • Courage,
  • Resourcefulness
  • Determination

In my opinion these skills and qualities are required to pursue any outcome that you really feel is worth your time, energy and effort.  This includes what you want to achieve by putting The Rules into practice.

You won’t always get the outcome you want or perhaps had pictured at the beginning.  The guy you like won’t always like you, the guy your dating may not be your Mr Right, you may have quiet spells and / or challenges applying The Rules, perhaps you keep breaking The Rules and kicking yourself.  Perhaps you feel down on yourself about these things, if you do, stop and say to yourself – “there is no failure only feedback.”  Think about (and write down if you find it helpful)  – what is the ‘mistake’ you have made?  What is the feedback from that mistake, for instance what has it taught you?  How can you improve next time and / or what will you do differently?  Then take Bear’s advice and when these obstacles occur allow it to make you more determined – give more.  In what ways can you give more energy, positivity and effort?  Look to improve your personal qualities so that you have more positivity, courage (maybe you need to move out of your comfort zone and meet new people and socialise outside of your normal group of peers), resourcefulness (what resources do you have within you?  Perhaps it’s to be able to pick yourself up when things don’t go your way, perhaps its a skill you’ve learnt, perhaps it some of The Rules you’re very good at etc…) and dig deep – be determined, is this really what you want?  If so, think about what it is you want, imagine all the good things and use this to positively inspire you.

Above all know that it is possible to meet your Mr Right, get married and have a long healthy, happy marriage and life.