Do you feel guilty and / or confused when it comes to paying the bill when you’re on a date?
Today I’m going to explain the reason that Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider (E&S) tell us ladies not to go dutch on a date in their series of books called ‘The Rules’.
I often hear people (men and women) debate whether they should go dutch on a date or whether the man or the woman should foot the bill. Most people think that this is a money and equality issue and why it may seem pragmatic to split the bill, the reality is when it comes to money and dating it’s more about our biological background than about money or sex equality.
E&S explain in their book ‘The Rules for Online Dating’ (2002) that “The three basic premises of this book and all our Rules books are: A man must initially feel a spark for a woman; the man must pursue the woman; and all men love a challenge.”
The key premises relating to paying the bill are – the man must pursue the woman and all men love a challenge. So when a guy takes you on a date, the reason E&S say it’s best for you to allow him to pay the bill is that if he is the right guy – your Mr Right – he will not want you to pay anything. As a woman you may feel guilty not splitting and E&S say that if the guy asks you to spilt the bill then pay it, but don’t see him again (they say you can pay for the odd small item here and there such as a tip or short taxi journey). This may sound like harsh advice but it’s not about the money. When a guy really likes you he will want to wine and dine you and treat you like a princess. He wants to impress you and take care of you, these will be his natural instincts. He wants you to feel special and taken care of – this is about the effort he makes and showing he really likes you.
Now don’t get me wrong there are some men out there who may ask you to pay the bill, make no effort on the date or ask you to spilt the bill. If this happens E&S say not to date this guy again, he may either be looking for the woman to be a cash cow or he may not be that into you and then there are some guys who may have issues (often there will be more than just money issues and splitting the bill) and he will likely be hard work. This should not be hard work, he either likes you or he doesn’t. And it’s not about how much money he spends – it is about the effort he is making to impress you.
So next time you go on a date and you’re feeling guilty about not going dutch when the bill comes along, recognise the effort this guy has gone to and realise the best thing you can do is to thank him (don’t make a big song and dance either when you thank him and don’t send a card / text etc… – this will seem too keen and likely scare him off, men like a challenge remember!). Just thank him and be sincere at the end of the date.
If you have a relationship or dating problem and would like specific Rules advice for your situation then you might wish to consider Rules Coaching. I am a happily married former Rules breaker turned certified Rules Coach and Neuro-linguistic Programming Master Practitioner. Drop me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org for more info or to make an enquiry and / or check out my Consultations page.
*Question & Answer With Me – Now in July 2017!
Please note I’m moving my Q & A blog scheduled for June to July as I still need more questions from you.
Please share your problems here in the comments section or email me directly at email@example.com with ‘Q & A July Blog’ in the subject line if you’re concerned about sharing something public but would still like an answer. You can also comment and send me private messages via my Rules Facebook page and I will do my best to answer as many questions as I can. #TheRulesBook #TheRules #RulesGirl
*N.B. Please note that detailed and / or very personal queries may not be something I can answer fully in my July Q & A blog and may require a Rules Coaching consultation.
Fein, E & Schneider, S. (2002). The Rules for Online Dating: Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right in Cyberspace. Pocket Books, p. 25 (Kindle version).