Is fear stopping you meeting Mr Right?

Do you think you could be holding yourself back to avoid being hurt? You’ve been hurt in the past and the fear of allowing someone into your life, becoming close to you and being vulnerable with them scares you so much you keep everyone at a safe distance.

You stay in your comfort zone, you go out to the same places with the same friends. It’s going to be very hard to meet someone new if you don’t get out there and meet new people.

The Rules are not easy, far from it, they require you to show self restraint and take you out of your comfort zone. The reason for following The Rules is that they are a powerful formula for meeting your Mr Right.

Don’t use The Rules as an excuse not to meet guys. Perhaps you are painfully shy or dread guys talking to you. You’re scared you’ll do or say the wrong thing or that you’ll be hurt and rejected.

Stop pretzel brain twisting, overthinking and over analysing and just follow the book. I wrote a blog about this called ‘Smart Feet’ based on a tip from Ellen Fein.

Once you meet a guy you don’t need to worry. Allow him to do all the heavy lifting. You wait for him to initiate and you just respond. Be friendly when you do and if in doubt smile. Take a deep breath. If you’re nervous and he’s the one he will likely find this endearing. Sometimes it’s about letting go and allowing someone to pursue you.

I know it can feel uncomfortable to go out and meet new people, to go online and put up an online profile, to try new things in a new environment, but do you want to be comfortable and single or are you willing to step out of your comfort zone and find your Mr Right?!

Be brave and make an effort to go out and meet new people in person and online. The rewards will be well worth it – just think how wonderful it will be to meet and marry your Mr Right!

But it’s not just as simple as getting out there – if only that were the case. Are you also self sabotaging? Are you getting Rulesy dates but then finding fault with every man? I don’t mean that you should settle – but often times if we’re scared of letting someone into our world we’ll find reasons to keep them at a distance. Are you nitpicking? This takes a lot more self awareness and self exploration. If you’ve read my blogs before then you’ll probably know I recommend journalling your Rules journey. Keep a log of doubts and feelings surfacing daily. Even if you’re not going on dates.

I’d also highly recommend getting coaching. This may sound like a shameless plug but I honestly believe it because I got coaching! A lot of people who haven’t experienced coaching wonder – why bother when I can do it myself? But coaching offers a powerful source of reflection that is very hard to achieve by yourself – even with a journal.

Coaching acts like a mirror, you are able to see things about yourself that are difficult by yourself or maybe even with others who aren’t coaches. Coaching also offers you a new paradigm, a way of seeing things from a totally different perspective. I took the plunge and got regular Rules coaching with Kim Evazians – I’d recommend Kim’s amazing audios too, I have all of them and used full Immersion as my study technique. I saw so many dramatic changes in my personal and professional life that I was inspired to become Rules Coach myself. So I got coaching with Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider to become a certified Rules Coach. In addition to this I was also studying Neuro Linguistic Programming and became a Master Practitioner. This gave me a great deal of insight into various coaching methods as well as the vast world of NLP. If you’d like to find out more about coaching with me feel free to email me at debbiesedgley@gmail.com

Question and Answer

Do you have a question for me about The Rules?

I will be doing a question and answer blog soon, so please send me your questions. You can post them here on my blog, on my FB page or you can send me a private message via my FB page or to my email debbiesedgley@gmail.com
Questions and answers will be displayed on my blog but will be kept anonymous.

#fear #scaredofrejection #hurtafterheartbreak #keepeveryoneatadistance #therules #rulesgirls #isfearstoppingyoumeetingmrright #debbiesedgleyrulescoach #leapoffaith #trusttheprocess #smartfeet #immersion #getcoaching #shy

If he disappears for the (Christmas) Holidays it’s ‘Next!’

Wishing you a very Merry Christmas! I realise not all of you celebrate Christmas but hope that those of you who don’t still get some time off to enjoy the holiday season and perhaps spend that time with loved ones.

For those of you dating a guy or in a relationship and your guy has managed to side step or ignore Christmas and New Year altogether. I wanted to be there for you. This is a really bad sign, especially if he has completely avoided it altogether.

What to do? – First of all get support from a really good friend or family member you know will sympathise and you can cry to. Even better if they are a Rules minded friend.

If he’s completely ignored it or ghosted altogether it’s ‘Next!’ for this guy. Build up the courage and end it. Don’t spend any more of your precious time on him. If he’s avoided spending time with you at Christmas or a special holiday season then I’m sorry to say he’s not that into you. Now I don’t mean if you’ve both made arrangements to spend time with your own families, he’s still been attentive, called you on Christmas Day and given you a lovely gift. I mean the guys who pretend like it’s not even happening (they avoid mentioning it) and / or suddenly disappear.

When you ‘Next!’ this guy, don’t be surprised if he suddenly starts chasing after you. Be extra, extra strict following The Rules with this guy now!! BOOT CAMP style! Be wary, you don’t know why he’s suddenly changed tack. He might just have missed your attention for a little while.

Instead of giving this guy all your focus, get out and enjoy the party season! Start meeting and dating new guys. Don’t let all of your attention rest on one guy at the early dating stage. Let the cream rise to the top! E&S have taught us to date a lot and to have passion for your work, hobbies and your own life. Don’t spend all your time pretzel brain twisting over one guy. If a guy wants your attention that much he’s got to earn it and step up and put a ring on it! There are plenty of #timewasters out there. It’s up to you to weed them out and find your Mr Right. Don’t chase after guys and bad boys. I implore you to learn to love those who love you! Learn to see #badboys #players #timewasters and #buyerbewares for what they really are #notworthyourtime !

Remember you are a ‘Creature Unlike Any Other’ (CUAO) – learn to love yourself, work on your self-esteem and make sure the guys you are dating are worthy! You deserve the best!

Merry Christmas Rules Girls!

Now go have fun!

Question and Answer

Do you have a question for me about The Rules?

I will be doing a question and answer blog soon, so please send me your questions. You can post them here on my blog, on my FB page or you can send me a private message via my FB page or to my email debbiesedgley@gmail.com
Questions and answers will be displayed on my blog but will be kept anonymous.

Are you serious about finding your Mr Right? Have you had your heart broken and are ready to be proactive and step it up a gear? Invest in yourself and your romantic skills and get Rules Dating and Relationship Coaching with me, former Rules Breaker turned Rules Coach. Drop me an email to enquire or have a chat about how I can help you debbiesedgley@gmail.com

#badboys #players #timewasters #buyerbewares #notworthyourtime #letthecreamrisetothetop #rulesgirls #therules #debbiesedgleyrulescoach #getseriousgetcoaching #CUAO #loveyourself #guysandtheholidays #christmas #christmasholidays #newyear

Habits

I recently read James Clear’s book ‘Atomic Habits’. It gave me reminders of effective good habit building and how to stop bad habits – plus new insights, inspiration and ideas of how I can improve.

What does this have to do with your love life and The Rules (TR) books? The Rules give us specific actions to take as women to meet the man of our dreams and get married to Mr Right. These actions are a healthy set of habits you can build up to create healthy boundaries and a healthy love life.

Some people may feel TR are extreme or harsh. My thoughts on this are that the authors – Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider (E&S) have broken TR down into everyday steps to make it very clear what you have to do, but individually these steps may come across as harsh. But they are not when viewed through the lense of healthy boundaries, respect and long term healthy relationships. E&S help women to take a step back from the whirlwind, hormone, emotion filled time that is romance! They are advising us to think and have some self restraint. Now others may say this is boring or it takes all the fun, excitement and romance out of romance! But if you’ve followed TR you’ll know that it actually adds magic – just like a good film builds on suspense!

TR are a thinking woman’s guide to dating and finding Mr Right. Each rule that E&S lay out in their books is not only a lesson, but a habit that can be learned, practiced and mastered. A good trick is to focus on one area you feel needs the most work first and then build on that. For example Ellen said to me that alot of girls need help not to message so much. This is definitely something that can be worked on. Do whatever it takes. Many people are addicted to their phones and feel the need to instantly respond to every request, message and email.

James Clear states there are four parts to a habit which is a continuous cycle we are running called a ‘habit loop’:

“In summary, the cue triggers a craving, which motivates a response, which provides a reward, which satisfies the craving and, ultimately, becomes associated with the cue. Together, these four steps form a neurological feedback loop—cue, craving, response, reward;”

In Clear’s book he suggests various methods for creating good habits and breaking bad habits going into detail about how this can be approached at each stage of the habit loop. So for instance if you’re addicted to your mobile and / or you can’t help yourself when a guy messages you, you want to message him back instantly and spend all night on the phone to this guy. You could remove the cue (seeing your mobile phone) and give it to your Mum or your flat mate to look after for you with instructions of when you’re allowed it back. You could take a drastic approach like Jake Knapp and delete your apps. I recently read his article “Six Years With a Distraction-Free iPhone” Knapp deleted the apps after he realised he had an addiction to his phone that was taking time away from his family.

A good tactic I have used in the past is to keep delaying a message and asking myself if one was necessary at all. I often found the message I was telling myself I had to send actually wasn’t needed at all. This was a real eye opener for me. Oftentimes it is a need to connect or perhaps procrastinate and distract ourselves from something we’re consciously or subconsciously trying to avoid. It could be you want some male attention, an ego boost. Try it as a challenge – unless it’s absolutely essential – do not reply, even when you think it is essential – delay as long as possible, you may be surprised to find you don’t need to send a message after all.

What Rules do you want to improve on and make a habit of? What ones have you already mastered? Please share in the comments section below so that we can share ideas as a Rules community.

Question and Answer

Do you have a question for me about The Rules?

I will be doing a question and answer blog soon, so please send me your questions. You can post them here on my blog, on my FB page or you can send me a private message via my FB page or to my email debbiesedgley@gmail.com

Coaching

Have you thought about getting coaching? Coaching kicks things up a gear. It gives you the opportunity for reflection and to ‘get clear’. It offers direction and gives you knowledge and empowerment. As a coach I have years of study and practice of The Rules and have direct experience going from Rules Breaker to Rules Coach. If you are serious about finding your Mr Right and having a happy, healthy relationship contact me via email at debbiesedgley@gmail.com

#habits #therules #rulesgirls #atomichabits #mrright #messagemarathon #addmagic #romance #dating #delaybeforereplying #debbiesedgleyrulescoach #upcomingqna

References:

Clear, J 2018, Atomic Habits: An Easy and Proven Way to Build Good Habits and Break Bad Ones, Cornerstone Digital

Excuses and Expectations

Do you find yourself regularly making excuses for a guy?

If he isn’t calling, messaging and making dates to see you then he’s not that interested.

Don’t make excuses like – he’s just got out of a really difficult relationship or his work is just really busy right now. It doesn’t matter. If you were the one – these things will not matter to him. He would chase after you regardless.

If things are difficult in the first three months especially – the early stages and in the first year, they’ll likely only get worse. Don’t think you can go to couples therapy or give it time. It should be easy at the beginning of a relationship!

At the beginning – if it’s a Rulesy relationship, he will be chasing you like mad and you’ll have trouble pacing things he’ll want to move so fast. But take stock, I know you want to get married but make sure you’re with a guy for at least four seasons before you accept a marriage proposal. It takes a long time to really get to know someone. Don’t accept any man or proposal! You’ve noticed he drinks too much sometimes but you let it go. You notice he takes drugs when he’s out with certain mates, but it’s not that often, so you let it go. You really like him but he’s flakey and cancels dates frequently. He’s a great guy but he’s got issues, if only I could get him to go to counselling.

Don’t expect a man to change or try to change him – this is such an important rule. E&S tell us The Rules are a thinking woman’s guide to dating. Use the time to observe his actions – does he do what he says he’s going to do? Record it in a journal.

Going into a relationship thinking you can change someone is really deluding yourself, it will likely end in tears – your tears, plus it’s actually manipulative and immoral.

You either like the guy for who he is or you move on – “Next!”

Don’t waste your time thinking you can wait for him to change or try to change him. It will likely not work or he will end up resenting you for it.

You would not want to go into a relationship with a man knowing he doesn’t want you exactly as you are. What if he expected you to dress a certain way, act a certain way?… Basically be someone else! So don’t do it to guys.

The only person you can change is yourself. Don’t look outside of yourself if you’re already in a relationship and have problems. Don’t point the finger saying, if only he would… it’s his fault… You can only take responsibility for your own actions and you can only change yourself. Look within and ask yourself what you can do. Do you need to stop breaking The Rules? Do you need counselling? Did you go in to the relationship knowing certain things about your partner but now you want him to change? Do you need to end the relationship?

I’m not saying to stay in a toxic relationship or blame yourself for any of his poor behaviour. But don’t stay stuck and powerless by blaming him or everyone around you. That’s not going to change your situation, in fact it will keep you stuck. What can you do? Be proactive and get help and support. Focus on what actions you can take. That is the power you have and The Rules give you the formula for healthy relationships that last.

I urge you to consider Rules coaching. It was a game changer for me. Coaching is an investment in yourself. Skills and knowledge are something that will give you the power to reap rewards over and over again.

If you do have a partner with any serious addictions, is abusive (emotionally, verbally or physically) or you have any other serious problems please seek professional help from addict support groups, doctors and psychotherapists. Close friends and family need as much support as those with the problems – don’t stay silent – get help!

#noexcuses #excuses #expectations #therules #therulesbook #rulesgirls #lookwithinbepowerful #donttrytochangehim #personalpower #thinkinggirls

Actions

What actions are you taking right now to meet Mr Right? It’s super important to make the effort to go out and socialise if you want to increase your odds of meeting Mr Right. E&S make this clear in Rule 13 from the complete book of rules.

The Rules provide guiding principles to follow as you’re dating potential suitors, what to do once you’ve met a good one, how to act in a relationship to ensure you’re on the path to marriage and what to do once you are married.

I really want you to take some time to think about your actions or lack of actions. Please take a minute to answer these questions. Even better if you write them down and put them somewhere you will see or refer to them often:

  • On what days during the week are you going out to socialise and meet new single guys in person?
  • What type of social activities are you taking?
  • What rules do you need to improve on?
  • What one rule from the above is most important for you to focus on?
  • What rules do you do well already?
  • Are you doing online dating?
  • If not, what date are you going to start?
  • How many online dating sites/apps are you a member of?
  • List the sites/apps
  • What do you need to do more of?
  • What do you need to do less of?
  • How can you improve on what you’re doing now?
  • What’s the biggest mistake you’ve made romantically and how can you use it to motivate you to improve on The Rules?

Hopefully this list and your answers will give you some food for thought and a resource to reference daily or weekly to help you make progress. If you’re serious about meeting and keeping Mr Right interested then it’s time to take action.

Using a journal can be extremely helpful to keep you accountable. I discussed this in an earlier blog I wrote ‘Observe… The Rules Work‘. I encourage you to use one. You can write the answers to the questions above in your journal and reference them whilst keeping track of how you’re doing. In addition make sure you’re making a log of his actions. Actions speak louder than words. It’s not so much what a man says but what he does that counts. Men (and women for that matter) can have great intentions and talk about them, but it doesn’t mean they’ll actually do what they say. Keep note in your journal! It’ll likely show you patterns you might overlook had you not written them down.

#Therules #Rulesgirls #Actions #Mrright