Apologies for the delay, here’s my final blog before going on Maternity Leave – it’s the July Q & A. I hope this helps those who’ve contacted me with questions and others who may have similar problems.
Q. I’m trying to stay within my own faith when I date but, my pool is sort of small. I go to any social events I can, am very active within our church (mostly since it’s an opportunity to hang out with my friends), and am on a dating app that just came out for people in our faith. I have a Tinder and OkCupid as well but, am not sure if I should keep using these since none of these guys are within my faith. Should I keep my OkCupid and Tinder as well or just keep going to social events and using our app?
A. I think Ellen and Sherrie would advise to take as many opportunities as possible to meet singles (being safe of course!). It may be worth signing up for a paid online dating website as these tend to be much more tailored to your specific requirements. I wouldn’t advise against using any dating apps or websites but be aware that ones like Tinder will likely attract a much larger crowd of men looking for something casual (so you will have to weed out a lot more guys!). So spend more time focused on the more reliable online dating services and activities were you can meet men in person. I would make it very clear in your profile that you would like to meet someone of the same faith if this is a ‘deal-breaker’ for you. If you absolutely wouldn’t date or marry a guy from a different faith because this is a top priority for you then you will just be wasting your time and the guy(s) you’re dating if you don’t make this clear from the start. Be careful not to use this as excuse though – to avoid stepping out of your comfort zone and meeting new people outside of your usual group of friends.
Q. I would really appreciate some advice on a dating matter I am currently dealing with! I met my crush through work as I own a clothing boutique & he has an office in the building upstairs from me. He began pursuing me in November and we just began dating in March (I turned him down a couple of times first). Now, he comes to visit me everyday (I’m open 6-7 days per week), bringing me coffee and checking in to see how my day is, etc. My worry now is maintaining being a mystery and him getting too much too soon or being overwhelmed by me. I’m keeping our conversations short & light, mostly ending them first, and seeing him only 2-3 times per week after working hours. Do you have any words of wisdom for my particular circumstance to ensure he doesn’t tire of me too quickly?
A. You have the right approach here in a tricky situation. Continue to limit your contact with him in whatever way possible when you are working and follow The Rules guidelines for the number of times you see him per week. If at all possible avoid disclosing your schedule at work to him, so when he turns up you’re busy and can’t get away. Avoid making it too easy for him to see you when you are at work (I know it probably feels nice that he is seeking you out but do your best to be happy and busy when he turns up so you do not make yourself too available, he has to ask you out in advance if he wants your time). When you’re at work you’re working, so don’t feel the need to stop what you are doing to make time for him when you are at work. You don’t need to be rude or come across as annoyed, just politely say something like “it’s lovely to see you, I’m sorry I can’t get away at the moment as I’m just in the middle of ‘X’ right now”. Don’t counter offer a better time for him to pop-in, just leave it at that. This is tricky, but just do whatever you can to limit the number of times he has access to you.
Q. I have problems of being impatient and I lash out too quickly, when a guy doesn’t respond. I’m trying to follow The Rules and although I’m finding it very hard his behaviour seems to be changing as a result of my new actions.
I got back together with my ex and the reason it didn’t work out before was because he wasn’t over his ex girlfriend. I was also very controlling, impatient and very quick tempered and when things didn’t happen I would get out of hand.
Now I’m leaving him to do the work and by me keeping quiet he is changing and responding more.
My boyfriend said he went to go look at rings after the first date and he’s planning something very special for me which is hard to believe.
When we were together before I was bad mouthing him to his friends, his work friends and partner at work, I even messaged his Dad. I told the people at work and the landlord. So will a guy really be happy if a woman does all those things?
Is there a chance he would really marry me?
My guy is very shy and very sensitive also. So for me to believe he bought a ring is very hard for me to tell. But he’s not rushing to get into bed with me this time and so it’s so confusing.
Can guys tell you they got a ring?
Also before, my best friend of twenty two years was basically encouraging us both to have sex before the ring. She was practically telling him how to treat me. She took his number and in a way was kind of flirty with him as well.
He wanted to plan a party at his Dad’s house and she was supposed to take me there with her boyfriend to calm me down and she kept cancelling it and encouraged him to watch movies at my house over night.
A. Ellen and Sherrie do give advice on what to do if you want a chance at getting back together with an ‘ex’ in ‘The Rules II’ and ‘The Complete Book of Rules’ (the latter is a compilation and update of the original ‘The Rules Book’ and The Rules II’) in their chapter ‘Second Chances – Rules For Getting Back an Ex’. The same Rules apply here, you can make one call for closure and then he must pursue you and you must then follow The Rules just as if you were seeing a new guy. You are starting from scratch and getting to know this guy all over again. Don’t be tempted to rush into anything with your ex or any guy for that matter. Guys will always want to go fast at the start and it will likely feel like a whirlwind. You must pace the relationship – Ellen and Sherrie advise you only see him once or twice a week in the first month, two to three times per week in the second month and three to four times per week in the third month and never more than four to five times a week unless you’re engaged. Ellen and Sherrie also advise you date a guy for four seasons before getting engaged. So if you have only been on one date this is too fast and I would strongly advise you follow The Rules very strictly with this guy and ensure you are pacing things as per The Rules books.
There is a lot of history between you and you broke a lot of Rules. It’s not good that you were controlling and bad-mouthing your ex before, sometimes if you’ve broken too many Rules or too extremely it will be hard for him to believe you’ve changed and he could hold resentment toward you. Guys can forgive, but be aware for signs that he may hold any resentment towards you as this could sour the relationship. How you got back together is important here. Other than ‘one call for closure’ – for it to be a Rules relationship E & S advise that he must initiate everything after that call and you must then immediately follow The Rules very strictly.
He may have bought you a ring, perhaps, despite your troubles. He can tell you these things and perhaps he may have good intentions – but it doesn’t make them true. Sometimes guys say stuff like this and there’s no truth to it – for example some guys may say things like this to get you into bed, so be careful. The only way to tell is to stay cool, pace the relationship, watch for buyer beware signs and observe both what he says and most importantly what he does. What are his actions? Make sure to keep a journal so you can keep a close eye on your relationship. The only way to really know if he has bought you a ring is if he presents you with one, otherwise he may just be paying you lip-service. The same applies to him planning something special, there’s no way of knowing unless he actually does something about it. By following The Rules strictly and observing his behaviour you will be able to tell if things are moving in the right direction. Does he contact you regularly? Does he treat you well or is he displaying ‘Buyer Beware’ behaviour? Does he make promises to you and keep them? Does he do what he says he’s going to do? Is he reliable or flaky?
With regard to your ‘best friend’ – this sounds quite odd on her part. What friend would push you to have sex with someone? This guy needs to be strong enough to make his own decisions and not get involved in strange situations with your best friend. If she had previously always been a good friend to you and you were to give her the benefit of the doubt I would ask yourself – is this what she does in her own love life and expects she has to do to get a man to like her? Perhaps she doesn’t know any better. And if you were to give him the benefit of the doubt then perhaps you would ask yourself, did he do this because he didn’t want to be rude to your friend? Either way it’s odd behaviour, for what reason was she contacting him / he contacting her? Was he encouraging her and being flirty as well? Is she overly- friendly / flirty with everyone / all guys? – Surely your boyfriend would be off-limits? Practice The Rules with her and this guy if you are unsure. Is this really the kind of friend you want? Is he the right guy for you if he’s flirting with your best friend? Don’t just accept any behaviour from men or women. Observe their behaviour and you will soon see who you can trust / who is a real friend. If you do not wish to sleep with a guy before you are engaged / married this is your personal choice and your guy must respect that (although E & S advise that you let him know this if it’s your preference. If he doesn’t want to wait then he’s a ‘Next!’ since it means he doesn’t like you enough to wait and you should never feel pressurised into sex).
Be advised that E & S also say “Sometimes trying to rekindle an old flame works, but frequently the best advice we can give a woman who thinks she’s still in love with her ex is Next!” (Fein and Schneider, 2013). This is because usually a relationship has ended for a reason and sometimes there’s just too much water under the bridge. You are already dating, so as I mentioned earlier what’s important is how you got back together, whether you are following The Rules now and is he is potential Rules Husband material or not? Observe and record your actions and his.
I would really advise getting a consultation for your situation if you are serious about this guy. It’s important to know your relationship in more detail and it sounds to me like a lot has happened. It’s also important to know why and how you broke up, how you got back together, how you met initially, how things went the first time and how things are going this time. When you book a consultation I will ask for details of your present and / or past relationships and your current problem or situation you want advice on. This enables me to tailor my answers specifically to your situation and give you advice on the way forward.
Maternity Leave – I’m now planning on going on maternity leave from the blog, FB and Rules Coaching. I am not setting a return date as this is my first baby so my husband and I will want to see how we go! You can still contact me but I will not be checking my social media and email as frequently, so please bare with me if it takes me a while to respond. I may be able to fit in a few final consultations before baby comes, but I can’t guarantee this.
Fein, E & Schneider, S. (2013). The Complete Book of Rules: Time tested secrets for capturing the heart of Mr. Right. Thorsons, p. 164 (Kindle version).
The information / advice given by Deborah Sedgley as a Rules Coach is not a substitute for professional advice such as a Medical Doctor, Psychiatrist, or counsellor. The information provided by Deborah Sedgley does not constitute legal or professional advice neither is it intended to be.
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